i had another OB appt. yesterday.
it was the first one i've been to by myself.
i heard baby girl's loud, fast, strong heart beat and smiled.
i love my doctor.
she is amazing.
something she did tell was that my glucose tests came back great.
no sign of gestational diabetes for me.
i am, however, slightly anemic and now have to take iron supplements, no biggie.
the thing that i had the hardest time hearing was about my weight.
i've gained 10 lbs during my pregnancy.
which.... is too low.
now, lets be real okay?
i was losing weight before i got pregnant.
i was down 15 lbs with the help of Weight Watchers by the time i took my pregnancy test.
i was proud of myself. weight has always been an issue in my life and i saw this as a strong victory in the right direction.
when i went to my last WW meeting and told them i was pregnant, they told me i could no longer attend.
(they can't be held responsible for any harm or loss of pregnancy AT ALL, therefore when clients are pregnant, they are basically forced to quit and then encouraged to join again after the baby is born.)
i was kind of devastated.
in my warped mind i thought i could keep losing weight while i was growing a child in my stomach.
even though i couldn't keep myself accountable with WW meetings, i swore to myself that i wasn't going to go crazy and gain a thousand lbs.
i've been happy with the minimal weight i've gained during this pregnancy seeing as i have really given into my cravings (hi hamburgers... i love you.).
(though when i was just at 8 lbs weight gain i was told i was "getting fat", that i "needed exercise" and that i "look like i need to stop eating"... all by men... in one day.
obviously... i cried. but then i came to the conclusion that they are stupid.)
well... at yesterday's appointment my doctor has now asked me to gain another 10-15 lbs in the next 9 weeks.
now, let me explain my mental freak-out when she said that.
not only will that be a total of 20-25lbs gained during this pregnancy, but it took me SO long to get those first 15 lbs off and i have no idea how long it will take me to get this weight PLUS the rest of the weight i didn't lose before i got pregnant after baby girl is born.
now, please let me explain my correct thinking...
i KNOW that i am growing a child in my belly.
i KNOW that the doctor has asked me to gain this weight so that i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i KNOW that i need to do this, accept this, and not be hard on myself BECAUSE my baby is more important than my weight.
and i KNOW that i will (cross my fingers) be breast feeding after she's born and that in and of itself is a calorie burner.
i KNOW those things... but ever since i can remember, my weight has defined me.
not by those who love me, but by my own self.
if my weight was down, i was happy.
if it was up, i was not happy.
it's all a mental game with me.
i am in CR for food issues.. because I HAVE MAJOR ISSUES WITH FOOD.
it's the prefect place for me to be.
a thought i woke up with this morning was..
i will do anything for my child.
i will gain the *dreaded* weight that i need to and hope for motivation after she's born to shed the pounds.
i will gain healthy weight and not junk food weight.
i will believe in myself and my body to do it's job...
and i will let it.
because just like what i wrote in this post....
it's not about me.
[i really think that is the lesson God is teaching me through this pregnancy.]