it was the first one i've been to by myself.
i heard baby girl's loud, fast, strong heart beat and smiled.
i love my doctor.
she is amazing.
something she did tell was that my glucose tests came back great.no sign of gestational diabetes for me.
i am, however, slightly anemic and now have to take iron supplements, no biggie.
the thing that i had the hardest time hearing was about my weight.
i've gained 10 lbs during my pregnancy.
which.... is too low.
now, lets be real okay?
i was losing weight before i got pregnant.
i was down 15 lbs with the help of Weight Watchers by the time i took my pregnancy test.
i was proud of myself. weight has always been an issue in my life and i saw this as a strong victory in the right direction.
when i went to my last WW meeting and told them i was pregnant, they told me i could no longer attend.
(they can't be held responsible for any harm or loss of pregnancy AT ALL, therefore when clients are pregnant, they are basically forced to quit and then encouraged to join again after the baby is born.)
i was kind of devastated.
in my warped mind i thought i could keep losing weight while i was growing a child in my stomach.
even though i couldn't keep myself accountable with WW meetings, i swore to myself that i wasn't going to go crazy and gain a thousand lbs.
i've been happy with the minimal weight i've gained during this pregnancy seeing as i have really given into my cravings (hi hamburgers... i love you.).
(though when i was just at 8 lbs weight gain i was told i was "getting fat", that i "needed exercise" and that i "look like i need to stop eating"... all by men... in one day.
obviously... i cried. but then i came to the conclusion that they are stupid.)
well... at yesterday's appointment my doctor has now asked me to gain another 10-15 lbs in the next 9 weeks.
now, let me explain my mental freak-out when she said that.
not only will that be a total of 20-25lbs gained during this pregnancy, but it took me SO long to get those first 15 lbs off and i have no idea how long it will take me to get this weight PLUS the rest of the weight i didn't lose before i got pregnant after baby girl is born.
now, please let me explain my correct thinking...
i KNOW that i am growing a child in my belly.
i KNOW that the doctor has asked me to gain this weight so that i will have a healthy pregnancy.
i KNOW that i need to do this, accept this, and not be hard on myself BECAUSE my baby is more important than my weight.
and i KNOW that i will (cross my fingers) be breast feeding after she's born and that in and of itself is a calorie burner.
i KNOW those things... but ever since i can remember, my weight has defined me.
not by those who love me, but by my own self.
if my weight was down, i was happy.
if it was up, i was not happy.
always.
you see?
it's all a mental game with me.
i am in CR for food issues.. because I HAVE MAJOR ISSUES WITH FOOD.
it's the prefect place for me to be.
especially pregnant..
a thought i woke up with this morning was..
i will do anything for my child.
i will gain the *dreaded* weight that i need to and hope for motivation after she's born to shed the pounds.
i will gain healthy weight and not junk food weight.
i will believe in myself and my body to do it's job...
and i will let it.
because just like what i wrote in this post....
it's not about me.
[i really think that is the lesson God is teaching me through this pregnancy.]
6 comments:
oh, sweet kacie! i will be praying for you, as you gain the needed weight, that you'd have peace! AND praying that your weight won't trouble you after baby gets here. lean on jesus, keep on loving him and loving your baby! it.will.be.ok.
love you. xo
Kacie, I loved this post so much. I've actually been working on a post for awhile now about weight/body image, and I think you just said things so perfectly in this post! I gained 40lbs with Adam and everyone loved to tell me how "huuuuuge" I looked. You're right though, it's not about us; it's what a mother does for her child!
first off, what a-hole men to tell you those things at all let alone after 8 pounds, eff them.
more importantly, i think this is an amazingly brave post. this is something that i know(as a doula i saw it all the time) that women struggle with but feel guilty talking about it. Body image and its place in womens lives does not disappear just because you've been blessed enough to have a baby. i think letting it out is the most important step. don't listen to anyone that reacts negatively to this, this is normal.
what i would do(and what helped a lot of women i worked with) was first, only to weigh yourself once a week or less and make it about being healthy not gaining as little weight as possible. that way you can still connect with a community, keep track of what you're eating(so those habits don't fall by the wayside) but you can do it in a positive manner. Whole foods pregnancy, pre-natal yoga, there are all kind of ways to be healthy and in tunue with your body(which is what weight loss ideally is) I have serious issues with food too and know what a monster all of it can be, know i will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
You are beautiful always with a heart and a smile like yours.
Girl, it will come off. If it makes you feel any better, I'm currently at my first baby DELIVERY day weight. and I'm not pregnant. OUCH. I think I need to visit WW. And stop visiting Chipotle.
I say it all the time on Insta, but you are the cutest prego!
I am 15 wks pg. I too have A-L-W-A-Y-S struggled with my weight. I too had lost 15 pounds and am nervous about re-losing the weight after pregnancy. So glad I found your blog through Beautifully Rooted. Yesterday I had my first EVER "I feel skinny" day...so many parallels I've seen in our stories from just this one post
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